Bittersweet: Can she rebuild her life? Read online

“Your niece is special.” Leza walked slowly, brushing her hands against the fencing, greeting each dog, and allowing them to take a sniff.

  “She takes after her mom.”

  Leza’s glance brushed over him, then El, but she didn’t ask the question he could see on her face.

  He pointed at his niece. “My younger sister died last year. She had an asthma attack and couldn’t reach her inhaler in time.”

  “Ellie’s father?” she asked in a lowered voice.

  He shook his head. “Zoe always referred to him as an asshat and a loser. She never identified El’s father, so I assume she didn’t want him in my niece’s life.”

  “Which left you.”

  “Me, or my mom. But mom has her hands full with my dad. He has dementia, and they live in an assisted living facility.” He stood next to her in silence, not sure what else to say.

  “It must be hard being single and raising a kid, especially in your line of work.”

  “It’s better than being overseas.” He rocked back on his heels. “When El’s mom died, I requested a military discharge and found the first job I could. Chase Daniels offered to let me work for him, but he can’t provide his workers with medical coverage. He’s the one who recommended me for the deputy job. So I cope. Besides, Ashley Daniels offered to fill in when needed. This community has been so awesome.”

  “Small towns can be like that.” She peeked at him sideways, but he chose not to respond.

  “Sorry, Leza.” Mara came rushing toward them. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting so long. Thad and Karly were just finishing up working with some of the service dogs, and El was playing with the newest shepherd recruits. They still have that new puppy smell and are too adorable to ignore. Thad’s walking Gunther and Ellie through the training and dog care checklist now. Thad said to remind you basic obedience classes are included in the adoption fee.”

  “I’ll make sure we sign up.” Heath nodded.

  Karly and Thad, the kennel owners, always watched out for El and took good care of her, just like they did all their small charges. Heath had no worries there.

  Leza shrugged. “I just stopped by to drop off your master key. I’ve scheduled some time to come back and wash a few dogs—my way of saying thanks.”

  “We can always use the help.”

  She placed the key in Mara’s waiting hand. “I’ll let you get on with your adoption. It looks like Gunther has found himself a home.” Amusement flitted across her face. “Deputy. Have a nice day.”

  Her sparkling expression made his brain go numb. As she walked away, a powerful jolt of desire kicked his heart into gear. He trotted to catch up with her.

  “Hey, Leza.”

  She turned slowly.

  “Would you like to get a coffee some time?”

  Her happy-go-easy blissfulness skidded to a halt. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  Well, that was a kick in the nuts. “Is it me?”

  “Not exactly. Let’s say I’m through with dating deputy types. First responders and I…we aren’t a good match.”

  “Everyone needs friends. This town is pretty small, so the pickings are a bit slim.”

  “Yes, but if I'm not mistaken, you have an I'm-interested gleam in your eyes.”

  He leaned in closer to look at the freckles scattered across the bridge of her nose. “You intrigue me.”

  She tucked her chin, slid away, and fabricated one of those smiles meant to appease. “That’s the thing. I always lose the people I let close to me. My heart can't take any more risks. Sorry. I’m done taking risks. From now on it’s just me and nature and a simple life.”

  He’d felt that way once.

  Hunkered down behind a wall of sandbags with bullets flying overhead, mortars going off in the distance, and the rumble of tanks moving by, he had been glad a girlfriend or wife wasn’t back home waiting for him.

  It’s funny how circumstances change things. Certain circumstances pull people closer together, while others push people apart.

  He threw up his hands and nodded. “I always thought I’d put in my twenty plus, then retire, possibly start an outfitter’s business, or find a job coordinating natural resources, recreation, and wildlife habitat—a job outdoors, anyway. Life sure has a way of screwing up your plans.”

  “Never pegged you for the solitary type.”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets. “What? You pictured me with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids, and a nine-to-five job?” He shook his head. “That’s never been me.”

  “Yet here you are with a kid and a job. That's a lot of responsibility for a guy who wanted a solitary life.”

  “Yeah, well.” He ran his hand over the back of his head. “I never shy away from obligations. I've had responsibilities for most my life, and they grew once my dad got sick. I'm not a type who walks away. I can't. I see a problem…I have to fix it. El deserves to grow up happy. I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure she gets a good education and feels loved.”

  She studied his face for a long moment.

  What did she see?

  A guy who had bullshitted his way through life until the Marines kicked his butt in gear? A guy who didn’t have a clue what he was doing?

  Or a guy who loved his niece and was glad he was able to care for and love a genetic piece of his sister?

  Or a guy interested in a woman who wanted nothing to do with him?

  Go figure.

  “Still I think I’d better pass on the coffee.” She took a step around him. “Have a nice day, Deputy. See you around.”

  “Ma’am.” He liked the way she hesitated when he gave her a wink and a two-fingered salute.

  Her mouth gave him a little attitude twitch before she turned away. He'd watched her leave for no other reason than he liked the way her hips swung back and forth, and the way her butt cheeks filled out her spandex pants so perfectly.

  “All set. Can we go now?” El pulled on his arm. “I want to go home and play with Gunther.”

  Heath ruffled her hair. “Sure. Let me pay the adoption fee, and we’ll be on our way.”

  And life, as could happen after merely getting out of bed in the morning, got a little more complicated.

  Chapter 5

  “Of all the irresponsible, ignorant, selfish, idiotic…” Leza muttered on.

  She huffed and attempted to lift the shivering Gunther higher in her arms as she tromped through the knee-deep snow.

  Good thing the FBI had training requirements to carry bodies twice her weight.

  Flakes the size of quarters tumbled in blankets of white. The larger cabin’s front porch light on the other side of the row of pines was like a beacon pulling her closer.

  Ice crystals stuck to her eyelashes and the cold stung her cheeks, but her anger kept her warm.

  What the hell? The ass. Who does he think he is?

  Deputies are supposed to help, not make life harder.

  Had he buried her drive to grab her attention?

  No, he wouldn't do that. He wasn't the vindictive kind. Besides, how did he even know she lived next door?

  Then again, this small town could spread rumors faster than an out-of-control wildfire.

  She kicked at the building snow.

  Gunther gave her the eye. “And what are you looking at, pooch?” His ears flattened, and another shiver ran through him. “You shouldn’t go running off. You need to take care of that little girl. She needs you to give her loads of love.”

  She stopped by the tree at the end of the drive to catch her breath, her exhales swirling around her head and mingling with the falling snow. “Okay. Calm down, Nickerson. No sense in getting the neighbors riled.”

  She shuffled across the plowed, icy driveway toward the large two-bedroom cabin that had to be Big Bear. The structure dwarfed Little Bear, the cabin Mara and Joe had rented to her.

  Gunther whined as she trudged up the porch steps. “No sniveling.”

  She fisted her gloved hand and hammered
on the wooden door, then waited, and then waited some more, and some more.

  She was about to pound an announcement again when the door flew open, and the smell of smoke hit her in the senses.

  No one could look more frazzled than the man in front of her. “Oh. Hey. Come in.”

  What? No panic? Fire must be out.

  He turned and hurried back up the stairs without acknowledging Gunther cradled in her arms or explaining the smoke smell.

  Something’s wrong. Very wrong.

  She set the dog on the wooden floor. Gunther followed Heath up the stairs while she glanced around the open space. To the left she saw a brown leather couch, an old wood stove, an old, hand-braided oval rug, and a coffee table made out of two log stumps and a piece of wood on top. An uneasy stillness filled the room. No sound came from the floor above. The smell of burned food set off another set of internal alarms. She shut the front door and moved toward the smell of smoke.

  In a few steps a kitchen appeared, and she narrowed in on the stove, then the sink. Sure enough, a pot with blackened crusts of food stuck to the side sat at the bottom of the stainless steel basin.

  Whoa. Not good.

  She shrugged out of her coat and gloves. Marines didn’t usually look like their world had just come to an end. She walked quietly toward the stairs and climbed them to a hall, passing the first bedroom and heading to the second.

  She found Heath kneeling at the side of a twin bed, staring at Ellie. She had her arms tightly wrapped around a photograph album and a stuffed bunny. The blankets triple-stacked on top of her were tightly tucked around her sides. Ellie’s eyes were closed, but she breathed evenly.

  Heath pressed the back of his hand against her forehead.

  The heavy exhale of anxiety drew his attention.

  He stared at Leza for a long moment, then said, “Her fever just broke.”

  His voice was tight, controlled, like he made the statement only to convince himself Ellie would be fine.

  “Then you should let her sleep.” Leza walked to his side and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

  He hugged her hand to his ear. “You’re right.” He nodded and dropped his shoulder.

  “Come on. Let me fix you something to eat. Looks like you burned dinner.”

  He nodded and pressed to his feet, following her down the hall, shuffling his feet along the carpeted floor and down the stairs. When he entered the kitchen, he opened the refrigerator to retrieve a beer. “Would you like one?”

  “I’m good.” She grabbed a scouring pad to scrub the blackened pan. “What happened?”

  “El wasn’t feeling well when she came home from school. I went to make dinner, and she started throwing up. Bill at the hardware store had to come plow me out so I could take her to urgent care. While I was loading El into my SUV, Gunther raced out the door. I needed to get El to the doctor, and figured Gunther would come back when he got hungry, or I’d look for him when I got back.”

  Ah. “So that’s why I was plowed in.”

  He paused his beer halfway to his mouth. “Some asshole plowed you in?”

  “Yeah. I’m renting the cabin next door. I was shoveling when Gunther appeared.”

  “Ohhhhh. Next door. I guess that asshole would be me.” He scratched his scalp. “The day just keeps getting better.” He reached for his phone. “I’ll call Bill and have him come unblock your drive.”

  She waved him off. “Don’t bother. The forecast is for snow all night. I’ll figure something out in the morning.”

  “All I could think about was getting El to a doctor.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I can clear a minefield, no problem, but El gets sick and I’m a mess.” He took a long swig of his beer. “I have no idea why my sister thought I could do this.” He held the cold beer bottle to his head and closed his eyes.

  “By this, you mean raise your niece?”

  His eyes lifted to hers. “What if I screw this up? After what El’s been through? She deserves better.”

  “I don’t know about that.” Leza squirted dish soap in the pan, then hot water. “I’ve seen messed-up parents, and you’re not one of them. You just have to love her, listen, be honest, and she’ll forgive you anything.”

  “I wish I could be sure.”

  “You need to give it time.” She opened the refrigerator to inspect the contents. Sandwich meat. Apples. Broccoli. She grabbed the milk and eggs, then went to search for a clean pan. “You’ve been through a lot of change this year.”

  “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. But I sure wish a handbook for this stuff existed. Every night before I go to bed I’m reading up. Blog posts. Articles. You name it. Trying to figure out how to help El adjust. She misses her mom, and I don’t know what to say.” A horrified expression twisted his face into a grimace. “I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear about my problems. Wait until you have kids.”

  Kids. Her brain got stuck. Her heart mourned for what would never be. She concentrated on cracking a couple of eggs in a bowl, adding milk, salt, and pepper. “Kids aren’t in the cards for me.”

  “Why not?”

  She dropped her hand on the counter. What could she tell him? A good portion of her life fit in the classified file box filled to the brim with reports. “Because I want to start a wellness center. Starting a business will take a lot of work and time,” and money. “When I’m not working at Mad Jack’s, I’ll be looking for a property with plenty of land.” She switched the burner heat to medium and placed the skillet on the warming surface.

  “Yeah. I need to find more permanent housing too. El needs to be closer to school, and I can’t call in favors every time there’s a snowstorm.”

  The way he cared. The way he took responsibility for Ellie. Her heart hand-stitched a superhero tag for his shirt. In her line of work, she’d only seen examples of bad parents. Drug addicts. Abusers. Sex traffickers. She didn’t often see a single dad doing his best to make a kid, not even his own, happy. That, right there, was downright sexy.

  His yummy five o’clock shadow and mussed hair, and the way his jeans sat low on his hips, made her feel like she’d indulged in a whole gallon of decadent, double-chocolate ice cream.

  She poured the egg mixture into the skillet. “It does snow a lot here.”

  He picked at the label on his beer. “My point.”

  “So what are you looking for? Two bedrooms. Two baths?”

  “And a yard for escape artist here.” He pointed at Gunther.

  She leaned back to look at the boxer lying by Heath’s feet. “You might not need a yard. Boxers are loyal dogs and good with kids. A little bit of training, and he might stay close by. He needs to adjust just like everyone else.”

  “Does anything faze you?” he asked, with a double dose of frustration framing his eyes.

  She circled the eggs with a spatula, scraping them off the side of the pan.

  The memory of a body cut into pieces and stuffed in a black canvas bag. The weight of a fully-loaded gun resting against the back of her skull. The mind-numbing pain of being cut, beaten, almost drowned, thrown into a locked room, and left for days. An awareness she would die alone, on a cement floor—praying for a quick end.

  She choked back the bile triggered by the memories. “Not much fazes me, no.”

  She rolled the egg onto a plate and handed the quickly-prepared meal to Heath.

  He jabbed the roll with his fork and stuck the wad in his mouth. “This tastes good. Thanks.”

  She took a deep breath and let a smile meander into place. “Everyone has days like today. All we can do is hope they’re few and far between.”

  Heath lifted his beer. “Hear! Hear!” His gaze roamed over her face, lingering here and there. “Since you made me dinner, I owe you.”

  She held up her hands. “Nope. I don’t like keeping score. I’m good.”

  “If El’s well enough, she’s been invited to a sleepover at Ashley’s tomorrow night. How about you and I do the dinner we ta
lked about?”

  “You asked me to have coffee, not dinner, and I’m working tomorrow night. Besides, I still don’t think you and me is a good idea.”

  “Why not? We’re already neighbors.”

  “Only until I find a place.” She reached for the coat she’d thrown over the arm of the couch. “How about we stick to being friends?”

  “That will be difficult.”

  His slow, sweet smile shot warning flares into her brain and made her take a step back. “Why’s that?”

  “Because it’s been a long time since I’ve met someone as beautiful and interesting as you. And when I have, it’s been the wrong time or place. This time you’re here. I’m here. We’re both starting something new. So I think we should give dinner a try.” He slid off his stool and moved closer.

  “Okay, big guy. You need to slow down.”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets but leaned in. “Strawberries and cream.”

  She did have strawberry shampoo, but he’d imagined the cream part. “This won’t happen.”

  He chuckled. “Oh, it will happen. Maybe not today. Or next week. But it will happen.”

  She zipped up her jacket and laughed at his cocky expression. “Wanna bet?”

  “I wouldn’t want you to lose.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “I never lose a bet.”

  “I won’t lose, and you want to know why?” His hot breath whispered against her skin as he moved closer.

  She closed her eyes, breathing in his musk. “Why?” she murmured with a sigh.

  “Because women can’t resist a man in uniform, a dog, or an amazing kid.”

  Well, piss on a stick. My panties are wet.

  “Is that so?” She set her palm in the middle of his chest and pushed him back. “I have news for you, Deputy. Some women in this world can resist your undeniable charms.”

  “Ah. But I notice you didn’t deny there’s interest.”

  What was she doing? Her shattered heart barely had enough thread holding the remaining pieces together. She had nothing to give a dog, much less a scrumptiously delicious guy, or his adorable niece.

  She needed to walk away. No. She needed to run.

  “Have a nice evening, Deputy. I hope Ellie feels better soon.” She walked as slowly as she could, grabbing her coat on the way to the door, to keep from racing out of the house.